Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
