I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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