i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
