I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
