Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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