I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
