she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
