I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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