also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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