woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
