I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Randomize
