1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
