did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
there is glitter all over my balls
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
