I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
