I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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