You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
