it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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