There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
My penis needs a shock collar
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
