im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
