i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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