I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
