you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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