I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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