you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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