You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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