i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
