If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
