Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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