I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i wish my penis had a tongue
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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