my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
