Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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