Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
