Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
