Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
