Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
