i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
