We got so high we made milksteak
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
