Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
