Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
