Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
