i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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