Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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