You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
