My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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