I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I love you. Go after that dick
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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