am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
