I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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