Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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