for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
