A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I need a beard to bite.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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