Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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